Pat Robertson's annual prayer retreat, where he supposedly receives God's word, has concluded. And the prophecy for this year is (drum roll please)....really, really, really bad stuff is going to happen. Along the lines of a "mass killing". Damn, that is bad. But how Pat? Well, "I'm not necessarily saying it's going to be nuclear". Whew! Okay, then what is it Pat? Well, "The Lord didn't say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that". Wait, you "believe"? You're chatting with the Man Himself for the umpteenth time and He says that some bad stuff is going to happen and that's it? You didn't happen to ask for more information? But don't worry folks. There is a good chance he'll get this one wrong. And not because I believe the U.S. is invincible or that we are the favored people of God whom He will protect. You see, Pat violated the first rule of 700 Club...Keep It Vague. Pat managed to get extra details from the Lord this time around. The attack will happen in the U.S. some time late this year. (I know, not exactly something to plan around, but hey, it's an improvement from previous prophecies). Lets take a look at a few noteworthy years...
2006
Last year was one of my favorites. On the heels of Katrina and Rita and warnings from every -ologist related to the environment that 2006 might experience an even worse hurricane season, Pat received the Word that the U.S. (nowhere specific, just the U.S.) might get hit with a terrible storm. And I'm sure God told him it would occur right around hurricane season too! Hmmm, wait I'm getting something here...I think it might rain at least once in 2007!
2005
As part of his persistent effort to stay bedfellows with Bush and the White House, God told Pat that Bush would have no problem pushing legislation through Congress, including revamping Social Security, and would also get Supreme Court nominations (since the justices were abusing their power to push the homosexual agenda, duh). One might look back and say, "he got the nominations thing right". Hell, I certainly had no clue that two elderly justices with cancer (Rehnquist with thyroid and O'Connor with breast) might vacate. And now, here's the really difficult part, but think back to that time when the Republican Congress was filled with yes men (and women) who's only concerns (their reelections) were a little ways down the road and approximately 50% of America still approved of Bush. But I'm sure his wisdom comes straight from God.
2004
"The Lord has just blessed him. . . . It doesn't make any difference what he does, good or bad."
That's right, we must be talking about Bush. According to God, or Pat Robertson, Bush was going to win the 2004 election "in a walk". Oops! Bush squeeked by John Kerry with 51% of the votes.
1988
"This is where God wanted me to be. . . . I assure you that I am going to be the next president of the United States."
Apparently God changed his mind and forgot to let Pat know. You can thank God for that. This country, and the world for that matter, might be drastically different. World leaders would be assassinated at will (guys like Chavez in Venezuela); the departments of education and energy were on his "to do" list to be axed; pornography would have been up for elimination (and possibly all media that did not advertise his books or "age-defying protein shakes"). Furthermore, Pat has always felt a certain hostility from non-Christians, much like the Jews experienced during the Holocaust..."Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." If he did not directly "retaliate", then at the very least he would have excluded certain people from government..."When I said during my presidential bid that I would only bring Christians and Jews into the government, I hit a firestorm. `What do you mean?' the media challenged me. `You're not going to bring atheists into the government? How dare you maintain that those who believe in the Judeo Christian values are better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?' My simple answer is, `Yes, they are.'" Liberals can take some comfort in knowing that he shares something in common with Kerry though. During Pat's campaign, he rallied the vets by describing himself as a combat Marine during the Korean War. Although he was a Marine, he was more the weekend variety. According to Marines in his battalion, he was never in a combat situation, but rather was responsible for ensuring the steady flow of booze.
But hey, being prophetic is hard work, and darn it you just can't get it right all time..."I have a relatively good track record...Sometimes I miss". I'm sure God sends the Word cryptically in some sort of Da Vinci Code-type message, you know, just in case anyone else is listening in.
Pat would be wise to revisit the passage he so conveniently glosses over in the Bible:
"When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him." (Deuteronomy 18:22)
And so it goes year after year. I wait with hightened anticipation for the next narrow-minded, outrageous, stupid, self-absorbed, ignorant, exclusionary, and insensitive revelation from the Word of God, while I drink my protein shakes and watch in envy as Pat leg presses 1,000 lbs (unfortunately that was the only day the video camera was available and so his record-setting 2,000 lb press could only be captured on still frame).
2006
Last year was one of my favorites. On the heels of Katrina and Rita and warnings from every -ologist related to the environment that 2006 might experience an even worse hurricane season, Pat received the Word that the U.S. (nowhere specific, just the U.S.) might get hit with a terrible storm. And I'm sure God told him it would occur right around hurricane season too! Hmmm, wait I'm getting something here...I think it might rain at least once in 2007!
2005
As part of his persistent effort to stay bedfellows with Bush and the White House, God told Pat that Bush would have no problem pushing legislation through Congress, including revamping Social Security, and would also get Supreme Court nominations (since the justices were abusing their power to push the homosexual agenda, duh). One might look back and say, "he got the nominations thing right". Hell, I certainly had no clue that two elderly justices with cancer (Rehnquist with thyroid and O'Connor with breast) might vacate. And now, here's the really difficult part, but think back to that time when the Republican Congress was filled with yes men (and women) who's only concerns (their reelections) were a little ways down the road and approximately 50% of America still approved of Bush. But I'm sure his wisdom comes straight from God.
2004
"The Lord has just blessed him. . . . It doesn't make any difference what he does, good or bad."
That's right, we must be talking about Bush. According to God, or Pat Robertson, Bush was going to win the 2004 election "in a walk". Oops! Bush squeeked by John Kerry with 51% of the votes.
1988
"This is where God wanted me to be. . . . I assure you that I am going to be the next president of the United States."
Apparently God changed his mind and forgot to let Pat know. You can thank God for that. This country, and the world for that matter, might be drastically different. World leaders would be assassinated at will (guys like Chavez in Venezuela); the departments of education and energy were on his "to do" list to be axed; pornography would have been up for elimination (and possibly all media that did not advertise his books or "age-defying protein shakes"). Furthermore, Pat has always felt a certain hostility from non-Christians, much like the Jews experienced during the Holocaust..."Just like what Nazi Germany did to the Jews, so liberal America is now doing to the evangelical Christians. It's no different. It is the same thing. It is happening all over again. It is the Democratic Congress, the liberal-based media and the homosexuals who want to destroy the Christians. Wholesale abuse and discrimination and the worst bigotry directed toward any group in America today. More terrible than anything suffered by any minority in history." If he did not directly "retaliate", then at the very least he would have excluded certain people from government..."When I said during my presidential bid that I would only bring Christians and Jews into the government, I hit a firestorm. `What do you mean?' the media challenged me. `You're not going to bring atheists into the government? How dare you maintain that those who believe in the Judeo Christian values are better qualified to govern America than Hindus and Muslims?' My simple answer is, `Yes, they are.'" Liberals can take some comfort in knowing that he shares something in common with Kerry though. During Pat's campaign, he rallied the vets by describing himself as a combat Marine during the Korean War. Although he was a Marine, he was more the weekend variety. According to Marines in his battalion, he was never in a combat situation, but rather was responsible for ensuring the steady flow of booze.
But hey, being prophetic is hard work, and darn it you just can't get it right all time..."I have a relatively good track record...Sometimes I miss". I'm sure God sends the Word cryptically in some sort of Da Vinci Code-type message, you know, just in case anyone else is listening in.
Pat would be wise to revisit the passage he so conveniently glosses over in the Bible:
"When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him." (Deuteronomy 18:22)
And so it goes year after year. I wait with hightened anticipation for the next narrow-minded, outrageous, stupid, self-absorbed, ignorant, exclusionary, and insensitive revelation from the Word of God, while I drink my protein shakes and watch in envy as Pat leg presses 1,000 lbs (unfortunately that was the only day the video camera was available and so his record-setting 2,000 lb press could only be captured on still frame).
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